Today was the Jewish New Year. Happy Rosh Hashanah everybody.
I went to the gym, to start the day with my spinning class. I pushed through, eyes closed, concentrating on not dying on the spin bike…aware that I really swear A LOT when I’m in pain..and make some really strange noises when gasping for air. Awesome.
Afterwards, I saw a couple that I am friends with. They are a bit older than me… and I secretly wish they were my parents. We are friends… they have come to see me do my comedy… the woman and I discuss books…
I love them.
I started talking with the husband…he asked how I was doing…what had happened with my job situation. I explained… and the conversation grew. We discussed depression…and how it can take over. He looked at me at commented that I was already a fragile person… that I needed to be careful.
We had a long talk about how I had become this way…and how I was actually a super survivor.
He said that I needed to write this out… that this would be a book or books that people would want to read.
It meant so so so much to me to have this virtual hug…to know that somebody cared…that somebody understood depression, survival, and the shit that is my everyday life.
We went to services…and if you know anything about this holiday…a major theme is forgiveness.
I watched the Johnny Cash documentary this weekend. There was this scene where he is interviewed…and he says that if God can forgive him, well he guessed he could forgive himself for his past.
Ok…my struggle with the divine is mine. Do not lecture me.
My struggle with forgiveness, especially of myself… is probably equally if not more intense. Brene Brown could move in…and write a book just on me. Ha.
At synagogue today…I thought this year…this year, I will forgive myself. This year, I will let it go…
And maybe…I will find forgiveness for those that hurt me so terribly earlier this year.
So, starting tonight…I’m adding forgiveness to my daily and nightly gratitude affirmations.
Like a dandelion gone to seed…I’m going to blow all this shit away. I’m going to strip myself down to a bare twig…and bloom again.
Happy New Year everybody.