Stuck in the mud

I have some walls. What can I say? It’s the result of my past…it’s a defense mechanism. I’ve had friends tell me, “You know, when I first met you, I didn’t like you.”

Wow.

I usually take a deep breath, look down, and then back and smile at them.

I don’t tell them that when I first met them I thought they were complete douchebags, and that my spidey sense went off…warning me to be careful around them. I don’t tell them that with their lovely expensive lives, filled with tropical vacations on yachts, or driving BMW’s or Range Rovers; their healthy children succeeding in school…well, I have no common ground with which to begin a conversation.

I am meeting some new people in my comedy class…and one of the guys told me I could smile more. We were out for drinks after class…a monumental step for me..as again, trust issues.

Eventually, I smiled.

He told me to get my hair out of my eyes…I laughed and said I would try…little does he know I keep it there on purpose.

I read a saying once, something along the lines of “She kept a part of her face hidden, like the dark side of the moon…” Yeah. That’s how I feel. I don’t want you to see me too closely. Don’t look too deeply into my eyes. Don’t.

I don’t want you to see that my mouth may be smiling, or even laughing…but my eyes are not. I don’t want you to see all the pain that is right there, behind this thin veil…and that if you push me just a little bit..I will collapse, like a house of cards.

The stress of losing my job, the stress of dealing with an autistic child, the stress of my other children, the stress of my personal life, combined with my personal chemistry…

Let’s just say I’m trying to take deep breaths.

I’ve been taking a lot of deep breaths lately.

I’m pushing my personal limits…conquering fears…pushing down some walls..

I am smiling. It has taken me a minute, but I am smiling again. The pain of the last several months has taken its toll…but I am a survivor.

It’s a skill. I get pushed down…but I always get back up.

And I get back up, stronger than I was before being stomped into the mud.

Maybe if you’re lucky…I will let you look into my eyes.

But only for a second.

That’s all I can handle right now.

I’m still climbing out of the mud.

3 thoughts on “Stuck in the mud

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