I took my youngest son to the doctor today..for his bi yearly ADHD check up. The doctor went through the usual questions: How was he sleeping (not much..) How much exercise was he getting (he ran three miles this morning and walked the last two with my husband…and then swam in our pool…) and all was going well..until he asked me..
“Are you still working?”
The weight of that question hit me like a right hook to my cheekbone. I think I may have flinched, if ever so slightly.
I put on a false smile and replied, no, no I’m not working now.
“Good” the doctor said. “This gives you more time with your children.” And then he went on with his summation of his exam and findings, and left the room.
I sat there…wanting to vomit. I guess giving up a career is just oh so easy for a woman. I mean, it was only nursing. For twenty-four years. What the fuck. I guess that doesn’t count as a real job.
Except that I’m still not sleeping all the way through the night…I’m being jerked awake, with a roller coaster feeling, several times a night…I’m exhausted. My soul is exhausted.
I’m not demeaning staying home with my children. I love them. They are my priority, which is why I worked part-time.
But I was a nurse. I loved my patients. I loved teaching them, teasing them, calming them.
And I hate the way my job was taken away. And I hate that I cannot legally discuss this yet.
I can only hope that the universe is truly opening a door for me…to a far better future. But closing this one..well, it hurts. A lot.
And I hope that I can sleep tonight.