So…I may have picked up another stalker. Well, a semi stalker. Not a complete stalker…just another guy that offered to do very sexual things to me, if I was up for it, and is now hounding me via social media.
What is this pheromone that I emit that attracts these creepy guys? It’s never the slightly attractive, slightly quirky, supremely intelligent with a wicked sense of humor guys that stalk me. No..it’s the guys that are gonna show up at my door with a pair of their mother’s underwear and ask me to put it on for them–that’s who freaking stalk me.
I suppose I should be flattered that somebody finds me attractive.
Here are a few tips on how to not pick me up:
1. Use coarse language. Really. I can handle a few F bombs here and there…but really, referring to this or that woman as a “c***” is not going to win you any points with me. EVER.
2. Tell me what you’re thinking of doing to me sexually–after knowing me for less than 20 minutes. Because, really?????
3. Get pissed at me when I turn down your sexual advances after knowing me for 20 minutes. Because of course, it’s MY FAULT that I rejected you??? WTF??? No…you’re an ASS and were rejected because of that. THE END.
4. Just because I said hello to you does not mean that I agreed to have sex with you, have you follow me, or have you stalk me on social media. Get a freaking hobby or life. Or lubricant and a towel. Just leave me the freak alone. Freak.
On that note…I’m considering finding a fake boyfriend/body-guard to go out with me to my comedy gigs/dancing/walks/any time I must go in public. I can handle myself–I know self-defense, and I can throw a mean punch. But it gets a bit much at times. Really.