A change is a comin’

I feel a change a comin’…. it’s been coming for some time now. It’s like the person inside my physical body is standing up, raising her hands up over her head and stretching,and then, looking around and stepping out of this shell now, ready for business. It’s as though I’ve been asleep or stunned for a few years, and now I’m back…I think that the best way I can explain it is the years of extreme sleep deprivation combined with extreme depression from having a child with autism caused me to just “go away” mentally…I was here, but not present. I was focused on just surviving the day, not living. And it’s hard to live in a survival state for so long, and to take hit after hit. I don’t mean physical hits, although those did occur–those of us with autistic children know the violence that comes with that diagnosis that isn’t talked about…that’s a blog post for another day…..I’m talking about just everyday life in my life. The working in an emergency department and dealing with not only the patients, but the psychology of the staff there. Getting out of the ED, and eventually going back to school to obtain my BSN…I was still not really “present.” Getting diagnosed with breast cancer, going to Africa to get my two children….all done in a state of numbness, if I’m being completely honest……

So why now? Why “wake up” now? I think that I must. It’as as simple as that. I cannot allow life to just happen to me any longer. I have always said I wanted to write, that I would write, but did not write. Now I will write. I am dancing once again. I had taken some lessons before I was diagnosed with breast cancer and a few after I recovered. I’m only ok, but I’m back to dancing again. I will not wait for permission to live, to dance, to write. I will just do it. If I don’t…If I don’t, I think my soul shall sicken, break, and become something I don’t want. I can see the writing on the wall. I can see bitterness, boredom, loneliness, and depression…god, not more depression….right there, in big flashing lights, on the wall, warning me to pull it together, to live. I have four children to live for. I have myself to live for. So do it.

And so, since I am, and always have been, a go big or go home, kind of gal, I am choosing to live. And for me that means to write. Well, and a few other things. So stay tuned. Let’s see where this goes.

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